Talking to young children about pornography is difficult. Parents want to shield their children from the worst of the world and deal with mature content in an age-appropriate manner. Unfortunately, these totally healthy goals make some parents feel that arming their children against pornography will have to wait. And that decision leaves their children vulnerable, sometimes with horrific consequences.
What these parents don’t realize, is that preparing young children to live pornography-free lives does not have to include talking about X-rated content or even sex. Terry Crews, former NFL football star and “Old Spice Man,” released a video series titled “Dirty Little Secret,” in which he described his struggle with a pornography addiction. In these videos, he mentioned several principles that helped him turn his life around that had nothing to do with sex! These are principles you can teach children of ANY age that will help them turn away from pornography.
1) Addiction or not, if something interferes with your life, it’s a problem
Diagnosing an addiction in someone who struggles can be helpful. It can describe how a situation has spiraled out of control, and it can lead to someone getting the resources they need to take back control of their life. However, in the anti-pornography movement, sometimes we get too hung up on whether or not someone is addicted. As Terry Crews points out in his videos, it really doesn’t matter whether or not it’s an addiction– if it interferes with your life, it’s a problem. If you are trying to kick a habit and struggling, some outside support can help.
Teach your children that it does not matter if their habit is video games or reading or eating or pornography. If the habit encourages secrecy, interferes with responsibilities, replaces healthy relationships, erodes their self-control, or otherwise hinders them in their journey to becoming successful, there is a problem, and something needs to change. Furthermore, teach your children that it is ok to ask for help when they struggle. Teach them that the right kind of help and the right kind of helper will empower them, not weaken them. And teach them that the sooner they change course and ask for help, the easier it will be to heal.
2) Be aware of your emotions
Successful therapists have realized that addictions arise from unhealthy coping mechanisms. People turn to pornography or alcohol or smoking or food when they feel emotions they don’t know how to deal with. For Terry Crews, recognizing that link between his emotions and his pornography use was a big step towards breaking his addiction.
Parents can teach emotional awareness to even very, very small children. It can be as simple as, “That boy is crying because he feels sad about leaving the park. You felt sad and cried earlier when you didn’t get a treat.” As children grow into teenagers, parents can help them choose healthy coping mechanisms and be there to process disappointments and frustrations. The ability to recognizing and dealing with intense emotions in healthy ways is a major shield against pornography.
3) The difference between guilt and shame
Another important point Terry Crews makes in his lecture is the difference between guilt and shame. While we use these two words synonymously at times, guilt and shame tell us very different things about our worth and our future. Guilt says, “I did something bad.”When we feel guilty, we can recognize our mistakes and feel motivated to make amends and do better. But shame says, “I am bad.” Shame tells us, “This is who you are, so there’s no point in even trying.” With shame, there is no possibility for redemption or improvement.
The way parents talk to their children about making mistakes will teach them the difference between guilt and shame. Parents can teach their children to accept responsibility for mistakes and work to improve behavior. An attitude of moving forward, not looking backward, will help children grow into adults whose mistakes do not hold their future hostage.
Stay tuned for more porn-proofing principles from Terry Crews’ videos! If you missed part 1, you can read it here.
Preparing children to turn away from pornography does not have to rob them of their innocence. In fact, teaching basic principles from a young age has a better chance of shaping their worldview and helping them see things as they really are.
“I’m interested in a world where men [and women!] are raised from birth with such an unshakeable understanding of women [and men!] as living human beings that they are incapable of being aroused by their exploitation.” — Jonah Mix